elfination

No politics for a little bit, just hope.

Six months after a roller-coaster of emotion, pain, drama, gallons of Ben and Jerry’s, and about 30 pounds added…. I am once again the proud owner of a +. (I’m regretting those pounds, but I’ll live.)

That’s all it is right now, a +. It was a + on Sunday night, a + on Monday morning, a + on Tuesday afternoon, and most importantly, a + at the doctor’s office on Wednesday morning.

I’m hoping it changes slowly from a + to a flutter. Maybe a bump. If all goes well, the bump might change into something more incredible by June.

I’m doing everything right this time. I am confident in that. I knew right away that a + was coming. So I’ve been careful. I’ve been cautious. Drinking lots of milk. Eating lots of high-protein foods. Trying not to go too heavy on carbs, but eating lots of fruit.

The next week will be very important for my new +. And me. I’m hopeful.

Well, I went for a blood test yesterday, and my OB called with my results today: my hCG level is down to 1700 (from a high of 9300 two weeks ago). The embryo has died. It’s now a matter of passing the sac, which still hasn’t happened.

I worry about how I’ll feel after the pregnancy hormones are gone completely - I hope to not be too depressed but I’m concerned.

In the meantime, my head hurts and I want to take a nap.

–Em

It’s been a week since my last blood test, and six days since my doctor told me to expect to miscarry. I’m still pregnant and barely spotting.

I’ve begun dreaming about the baby, too, which is really hard. I dreamed that the nurse from my OB’s office called me and told me that the baby is a boy. . . but didn’t say I could relax and just be pregnant. Last night, I dreamed that I was going to give birth but the doctors couldn’t get it together to start the surgery.

I just… wish I knew.

–E

it’s just … close.

We call this “Blighted Ovum“. It means that an egg got fertilized, triggered the uterus to respond and protect it, wedged itself into the uterine lining…. and then just decided “nah”. It just takes the body some time to realize there isn’t an embryo there to snuggle on. When the body figures it out, it sheds the uterine lining (and the empty sac).

After discussing things with my doctor, I am more comfortable to simply wait out this process. As long as I’m not running a fever, in unbearable pain, or bleeding profusely, I’m allowed to wait to miscarry on my own. There are drugs that will “move it along,” but I really don’t have to take them if I don’t want to.

Barrett researched a whole lot about this situation. He found a lot of references stating that the diagnosis of Blighted Ovum is usually made when the gestational sac is a bit bigger. Lots of women have this. And …. there is some hope: while the gestational sac hasn’t grown (over the course of four days), I do have a yolk sac. My hCG level DID rise, though not very much, but it’s still well within that “normal” range, and of course “every woman is different.”

There are also plenty of anecdotes on the net from women who were told that they would miscarry, who were monitored by their OBGYN docs to confirm that the miscarriage was progressing, who suddenly popped up the bright clear flutter of a fetal heartbeat 3-4 weeks after the (mis-)diagnosis of Blighted Ovum.

I feel less like God is smacking me upside the head, more like it’s one of those tests of faith. I went through one with KB, when his bladder was paralyzed…. and though he still has a bit of neuropathy in the bladder, he is able to pee on his own (wherever he wants, it seems).

This also makes me feel less like a horrible person, less like I’ve lied to people. It broke my heart to think that I’d been telling people happy-happy-happy news and then “oh wait, I was wrong nevermind.” This…. this is a lot more normal. “The doctor isn’t seeing the growth they expect to see, it may not work out” sounds somehow better. Every woman is different, yes, I know. I know those situations were tiny percentages in comparison to the number of miscarriages. I don’t think it’s something I can influence. But I know that… however small the percentage… doctors have been wrong before. It opens a tiny little window of hope, that’s all.

I’m still feeling a bit . . .reserved. . . about my friend who declared my yolk-sac to be a fetus (without the ultrasound tech saying anything about the declaration). There NEVER WAS A VISIBLE EMBRYO and for the love of PETE nobody corrected her!!! Nobody stepped in and said “what the hell, you insane woman, that’s a yolksac.” Or, even, more politely: “Actually, I’m just taking measurements of the yolk sac here, the embryo may be too small to see yet.” I’m feeling a little angry that I was misled… though mostly that I allowed myself to be. It’s a reminder to do this myself, to not take counsel from someone whose only experience was her own. Better to be without any knowledge at all.

In the meantime, I’ve got exams to study for, classes to attend, and two presentations to prepare.

–Em

Is just a blurry blob.

Gestational sac? Check
Yolk sac? Check
Embryo? Embryo???

Hey, did someone forget to order an embryo?

Don’t get me wrong. I was…. am pregnant. I am carrying an empty sac of nothing. The ultrasound images showed a yolk sac, not the OMG BAAAAEEEEBYYYYEEEE!!! that my friend Michele decided to proclaim (uncorrected by the ultrasound tech). My hormone levels have risen somewhat, but have not double-double-doubled like they’re supposed to. And there’s nothing growing in the sac.

Sooo…. there’s a lot in my head.

I could be mad at everyone and everything, or just at myself… but I really don’t think I did anything wrong, and nobody else is really culpable for my utterly defective reproductive cycle. So I think I’ll just sigh and say it’s God’s way of telling me I was right… no baby deserves having me for a mother anyhow.

I’m going to go cry for a while, and wait for my OBGYN to schedule a D&C to remove the offending sac.