elfination

I’ve taken a part-time weekend job with Blue Buffalo pet-food company as a store representative. I’m going to walk around and smile at people and ask them all about their animals…. and then suggest maybe they need some premium pet food. It’s a job. I’m happy to have it.

Okay, so I do feed my kitties something a little different…. but the CONCEPT is the same, really. So it’s not that hard to sell. In fact, I made a new customer (converted from “Grocery store brand”, even!) on my first day in the store, when we were training! I’m pretty pleased with that.

I’ll be flying solo on Saturday. If you’re in Huntsville, come see me at Petsmart on University drive on Saturday.

–Em

It’s October 31, 2009….

Two years since I found a certain KB-cat in the road and took him to the vet for help….

Two years since encountering this strangely loving creature who has touched so many lives and continues to touch more….

Two years since I found out just how amazing people all over the world can be, donating to a kitty they’ve never met….

And almost two years since I realized… this cat has a great future.

Happy Birthday, KB.

May you have many bunnies, many bags of treats, and many more returns of the day. I love you so much.

–mumma

Today, I went into my OB’s office to have bloodwork gathered, to confirm whether I have any blood-clotting or immunological issues that might impact a healthy pregnancy.

This series of bloodwork apparently requires sixteen vials of blood. (four purple, two orange, and ten blue.)

Needle-stab into first vein (left cubita fossa). Nothin’. Needle-stab into second vein (left forearm). Vein blew out during the second vial. Needle-stab into third vein (right cubita fossa). Fifteen vials drawn successfully.

Then I helped her label them all, because God knows there were a lot of them.

The placental tissue from the D&C showed some hydropic degeneration of the chorionic villi. I did not have a molar pregnancy, but to be safe, the doc wants me to get hCG levels drawn every week ’til they reach 0, then every month to be sure that I do not develop choriocarcinoma. It’s highly unlikely that I will. I should remain on birth control and avoid pregnancy for at least one year.

Aww, twist my arm and make me go back to school, then, huh?

–Em

She wrote, “I just want to scream,” “no you DON’T understand what I’m going through,” “why does God feel the need to punish me,” and other very understandable grief-stricken remarks.

I replied:

I’m probably one of the few people who understand how you’re feeling about god.

Having my first blighted ovum (and now the second)… it’s all been nails in God’s coffin for me. (Well, to be honest, I’d pretty much buried the whole concept of “god” years ago, but this just kind of proves my point.)

Other people can believe in god, and say that their baby was taken for a reason… I’m finding it a lot easier to believe that the “christian god” isn’t out there like that.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m still a very spiritual person… but there has been no religion for me for a long time.

I can’t stand someone telling me that babies are from jesus. Babies are SO NOT from jesus. jesus had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with this baby. And the only thing God had to do with it was probably just something I yelled out during the conception. There’s no precious moments cabbage patch stork coming along, and I’ll be damned if I’d want a baby that evolved from cabbage anyway. Wrong number of chromosomes in cabbage. And storks.

It helped me tremendously to be studying Cell Bio and Genetics when I had my first blighted ovum. It helped me to learn the cell cycle, the process of duplicating DNA, how meiosis and mitosis work… because knowing those things on such a tiny level gave me an appreciation for something very small f*king up something very big.

Studying genetics and cell bio might even have saved what little faith I have left. I figure if God’s anywhere, he’s in a hydrogen bond. And I don’t need my head filled with empty noises from people who don’t know what else to say. I think “God” is just the label that people put on everything they can’t understand.

omg, Elfi, you’re so… ANGRY.. at the world!!

Yeah, I am. because this sh*t ain’t fair. And having it a second time is even more not fair.

So… I’ve got your back on god. And if anyone tells you that “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle”, just point me in their direction, and I won’t give ‘em anything they can’t handle either.

–Em

I feel a lot better.

Maybe that’s the vicodin talking.

I’m not cramping, or even bleeding that much. My chief complaints are a chest-pain-type indigestion (not heartburn… it’s different…) but the pain of that is being controlled with the vicodin… and an all-over muscle ache that’s residual from the anesthetic.

I’m tired.

I’m going back to the office in two weeks to get checked out and to get bloodwork drawn to see if there are any clear issues with me that might inhibit a proper pregnancy. There are new studies lately that are specific to blighted ovum situations… generally speaking, blighted ovum isn’t all THAT uncommon… it happens to women once in a while. It’s not as common as a regular fetal-demise miscarriage, but… it happens. However, repeated blighted ova for one woman (especially with the same partner) is a red flag. And I’ve had two within seven months. So there are other things that can be reviewed… sometimes the mother’s body can’t distinguish between her own cells and the baby’s cells, and can simply reabsorb the baby… or even attack the embryo as though it’s a cancer. (hopefully the bloodwork will show whether that’s been an issue.)

I know it isn’t my fault, though. I’m just trying to move forward with life.

On a really good note, the realtor got a rental application for my house!! The people would even like the option to buy it after one year. I’m very excited. This is very very very good news!!

So with that in mind, I’m gonna go take a nap.

–Em

In a week, I might get to see the +. I’m hoping it’ll be something good to see.

I want this to work out. I want to see a little Critter growing. I want to hear a fluttery heartbeat. I want to have something really special to be excited about.
–E

Today I’m going to tour the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.
I don’t know if I’ll be enrolling for Spring term. If I do, I don’t think I’ll be taking anything too mentally challenging, because I’m not exactly up for many mental challenges right now.

I’m wearing travel-bands to keep my occasional nausea at bay. I’m tired a lot, and I’m not always thrilled about a cat jumping straight onto my tummy.

I’ve got two weeks ’til I see my doctor again. I’ve got a lot of nasal congestion, a little nausea, and a lot of hope.

of a very grainy uterus. Also a couple of grainy ovaries.

The ultrasound tech didn’t find any gestational sac (let alone contents). However, I am only “4 6/7″ weeks. (5 2/7 weeks by Last Menstrual Period, 4 6/7 by date of conception.)

The doc is doing blood tests to determine if my hCG levels are doing what they should (climbing like crazy). I am hopeful, but a bit scared that there isn’t anything in there. Seems that’s the sort of luck I have.

Meanwhile, I’ll just sit tight.

–Em