I’m going to go on my own vacation, for a couple of days. I’ll leave Sunday evening after work, and I’ll be back Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.
I think I’ll drive down to the meteoric impact crater in wherever-the-fuck-it-is, Alabama, maybe look for some fossils, and then come back.
And I’m taking my cat with me.
–Em
To anyone who doesn’t think I’m continuing to be punished:
Please feel free to call me and crow about your Spring Break plans that include trips out of the country, and then ask me why I don’t “just go do something fun?”
Feel free to inquire why I didn’t “do something fun” over Christmas. Or better, ask why I didn’t go WITH my husband to visit family. Maybe even suggest that I take a few days and get a hotel room with my husband, as though he wants to even speak to me.
Also feel free to insult my ACTUAL plans: catching up on schoolwork, doing extra credit assignments. Remind me how “not fun!” that sounds. (It actually sounds reasonably useful to me, so stuff it.)
Then get offended that I sound a little grumpy.
–Em
I’m lonely. I crave companionship.
At the moment, I want to sit somewhere comfortable, listening to someone talk about … something. I want to listen to a talk about chemical engineering, or a thesis presentation about artificially-mutated nematodes, or maybe just go to a lecture for a class I’m not taking and listen to the professor. I want to be comfortable, and I want to be allowed to build molecular models while I do it, or draw a picture, or work on some beads, or… do something similarly creative with my hands. I want there to be a stream of potentially useful information (and let’s face it, I’m a packrat, just about anything is potentially useful in my book) around me, while I process my own thoughts - picking out useful pieces from the stream to file away, maybe asking questions if it’s VERY novel. I find that working with my hands while learning enables me to process information in ways that surprise even me.
In short… I want someone to read to me while I play with my toys.
Is it so wrong to have this desire, as an adult? Is it so unusual? I don’t want a TV to blast randomness at me, I want there to be some sort of more personal interaction… but the “interaction” needn’t be complex. I just want to be in the presence of someone who has information to give me.
I would be happy to listen to a discussion of lichens from New Zealand that are used to produce a blue wool dye. Or maybe the nuances of plasma physics. Or the evolution of CAULIFLOWER… I don’t care. Just… SOMETHING.
But it’s not polite to take up space in a classroom where you’re not supposed to be. It’s not polite to draw pictures while your professor talks. It’s rude to build models in a thesis discussion. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PAY ATTENTION! 
Oh, but I am… really… I am…
And so, I’m alone with my computer, which is something that I can interact with. Something that requires fine manual movements (typing)… but also something that requires 100% of my attention, something that won’t play FOR me… something that will only play WITH me. It has music, I’ve heard the songs before. It takes so much time to find something to listen to, that just the process of settling down and getting to that point is enough to knock me out of the mood…. and it’s not a PERSON, it’s a THING. Yes, it’s a source of constant novelty, but it only does that with direct input from me… and it has zero appreciation for whatever my manual dexterity might create during our interaction.
I don’t want to sit around watching someone else watch TV. I don’t want my head to be filled with dramatic garbage… I just want a story, from someone who cares whether I exist or not.
I miss Patton, my botany professor from Tulsa. He was often good for this, and he understood my need to create something with my hands while listening to him.
I’m lonely, and I see no real way out of it.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100216/ap_on_re_us/us_ala_university_shooting
“A survivor of an Alabama university shooting said the professor charged in the attack that claimed three lives methodically shot the victims in the head until her gun apparently jammed and she was pushed out of the room….”
oh my god.
But, after hearing many people weigh in on “Fitting Punishment for Dr. Amy Bishop”, I discussed this with my friend Shyla (a classmate from TCC and NSU in Oklahoma).
OUR $.02:
Exhaustive studies on her brain chemistry. Probes, PET scans, fMRI scans, everything. Dr. Bishop, you harmed biologists who were studying these things; congratulations, you’re the new test subject. We won’t hurt you, we just want you to look at these pictures while we measure your neurotransmitter levels. Thanks. Again, please. And we’ll consult her for her opinions…
That brain won’t go to complete waste as most people seem to think. We’ll learn from her. We’ll explore. We’ll patent something based on our results and use the proceeds to fund college for her four children. (And to support the families of those who were killed and injured by her attacks.)
Maybe we could keep her in the vivarium.
–Em
This just gets better and fucking BETTER.
She’s being held without bail. That’s a plus.
http://blog.al.com/breaking/2010/02/amy_bishop_had_been_denied_ten.html
Her tenure had been denied last year…. and her appeal had been completed and settled. *sigh*
–Em
All students are safe and sound. I was not on campus at the time of the shooting.
I spent the night at a friend’s house last night, because I couldn’t get back on campus.
Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/us/14alabama.html
http://www.waaytv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11981259
Also of interest: http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/02/professor_accus.html
Especially when what you WANT to focus on isn’t what’s presenting as a more emergent problem.
I’m completely exhausted… I’ve had very little sleep lately, an organic chemistry exam on Thursday at 4pm, and I have had to move out of Barrett’s apartment and into a room on campus.
The upside is that my housing is now walking distance from classes. There are actually a lot of up-sides.
The major downside is that my change in environment is because Barrett’s had enough of me.
So… I moved, and am wracked with anxiety about all sorts of things (both rational and irrational). KB cannot live with me here. Lots of stuff is still at Barrett’s apartment. Barrett doesn’t call me “Sweetie” or “Elfy” anymore, he calls me “Emily”. When we talk at all. I’m within five miles of him and only seeing him briefly to let me into the apartment to get more of my stuff.
I’m a disaster… and it’s REALLY hard to focus on what NEEDS to be done for school.
On the plus side, I have plenty of psychotropic prescription drugs. I’m on an antidepressant which is working very well (until about 10PM when it starts to wear off…. ) I take adderall (YAY!) and Buspar (an anti-anxiety drug). The Adderall and Buspar are doing good things for me, though I’m still prone to randomly crying at stray thoughts.
I’m back to doing the “college thing”, but without the comfort/security of a permanent address to return to in the summer, and without family that I can return to if I choose. The only family I have in Alabama is Barrett… and he’s removing himself from that status. I’m alone here, lost as hell, and all I can do is hope I can focus enough to NOT THINK ABOUT IT.
I’m going to take a hot shower and get some sleep.
Being a molecular biology student really can be summed up in two words: “Great toys”.
1/31/2010: UPDATE: Thinkgeek.com has posted this picture as a “customer action shot“!! WOO!
–Em
