elfination

Yahoo News has an article about the 4,300-year-old tomb recently uncovered. The comments are so amazing.

A few of my favorites:

“Pepi II ? A Mexican was Pharoh?”

“How foolish people are when they make comments about who was first and about Jesus Christ.If you sit down and use your brain,you will realise that there is only one GOD and that He had only one Son.The name of this son is JESUS CHRIST,who was present when GOD,JAWEI created this earth we populate and is busy abusing and destroying it.Most people are going backwards instead of advancing and correcting our wrongs of the past.Think,think and change your ways before it is too late.You still have a short time to correct errors and to pray for foregiveness.”
(How old would that make Jesus, then?)

“Funny,they just buried a 4000 year old KKK senator two days ago.”
(oh, I laughed!)

“ah you are confused because you lost in an absolutist semantic thought loop…. there is no such state as nothing and no such thing as everything….. these are absolutist concepts… there is only almost… God created man in his own image… But is there an image without a conscious observer? Of course not. The image of god is consciousness itself and we are fortunate to be sharing it… In other words god is consciousness, The all pervading loving holly spirit. All is one. You can not stand outside the universe and look at it because then you would still be in it. indivisible ….. Hell is a broken heart unable to process love a lonely place to be… we punish ourselves as love does not punish otherwise it is not love. bless you all”
(the all pervading loving holly spirit? I’m allergic to holly! Does this mean God has rejected me from the outset?)

“How come the liberal scientist don’t say these are millions of years old?? Cause they have to answer against historical documents. That is why. Well people, it is the same with the Jewish documents. The torah ( first 5 books of the bible) and the New “Testaments”. Yes literal testiments! Both are in the archives of all the surrounding nations. All the archives of all the surrounding nations have these. It would be wise to see the bible accurate to these archives. They used a thing called Oral Testimony that was spoken over and over and over again into and throughout each generation. So there is another kind of proof the Lord used to keep his Word alive. If you seek …you will find. You will find. If you seek with a humlbe heart. Yes there’s the catch. Arrogance and haughty aren’t invited to his halls of study.”
(Favorite replies: “Grammar, apparently, is also well outside of the Heaven to which your prayers entitle you.”
“scientists aren’t necessarily liberal. Just smart. Unlike you.”)

MY VERY FAVORITE:
“I’m trying to figure out how ancient Egyptians, example in year 3000 BC found salvation through Christ. I’ve been told that the Old Testament predicted a messiah would come some day. If people before Christ made the predicted messiah their Master then they could be saved. But how did these Egyptians, before the Old Testament was written, before the coming messiah was predicted, find salvation. Their elaborate religion described the universe with a multitude of gods and goddesses. None of this would help ancient Egyptians predict a coming messiah. Did God hate that ancient Egyptians. It seems to me they had nearly a 0 percent chance of avoiding the fires of Hell.”
(Does that mean Abraham was completely f*cked too?)

I love people.

–Em

….full of new experiences! And it’s sooo great!

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself as my latest New Experience is coming to bear:

Buying a new windshield.

Because, you know, I don’t have anything else I’d rather spend $250 on than a new gigantic piece of glass, and oh gosh oh golly! I’ve NEVER had to BUY a new windshield before! This is just… all new and fun!

Safelite went on and on about how they only use factory-equivalent glass…. really? which factory? Does that mean you like, blow-torch it in your backyard but it looks good enough to have come from a glass factory? Or do you mean you get it from a glass factory and it’s equivalent to the Kia original installed glass that came with the car seven years ago? AND!! They include the rubber GASKET that GOES AROUND THE GLASS. Good lord, do other companies NOT include that?

Insurance? why of COURSE I have insurance. It’s got a $500 deductible.

On the plus side, I *DO* have auto insurance. While Barrett believed that (when they asked for my Alabama Driver’s license number) they’d drop me when they found out I have a TENNESSEE license… that’s actually untrue. They don’t really care what state your license is from, just that you have one that’s current and unexpired. He failed to inform them of my Tennessee license number, instead pestering me about how he’s going to drop me from the insurance and then not sending me their phone number to straighten it out. I drove over there, cracked windshield and all, to discuss.

Not being picky about WHICH STATE is a benefit, because I can’t fucking GET my Alabama Driver’s license. And not for any GOOD reason, either. It goes like this:

Tennessee required two forms of ID for their license, as well as some proof of residence. I had, at the time, a social security card and expired passport… and the passport had been expired for, I don’t know, a couple of months at that point. And an Oklahoma driver’s license. Good enough!

Alabama requires two forms of ID for their license, as well as some proof of residence. I have a social security card and a Tennessee driver’s license. My passport was confiscated when I was arrested. Because just KNOWING about other countries obviously makes me a flight risk. (MY PASSPORT HAS BEEN EXPIRED FOR AT LEAST EIGHTEEN MONTHS.) I can’t use it for anything other than proving my own identity, which the State of Alabama wanted me to do within thirty days of establishing residence in Alabama. AND, incidentally, the Tennessee driver’s license does NOT COUNT as a form of ID. You need TWO ADDITIONAL forms of ID. (I’m tempted to believe that the expired passport probably wouldn’t count, either… but I digress.)

Well, if you don’t have a passport, you’re welcome to use a birth certificate. Don’t have one? Just go to the vital records website and clickyclick and order one. So I did. The birth certificate arrives, indicating that the “child’s full name” is “FORTNER”. Not even “Baby girl Fortner” just…. FORTNER. >.< I wasn’t named for about six weeks after I was born. Fine. WHATEVER!!! It’s still signed and stamp-sealed and it’s MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

oh… except, wait, “Emily Fortner” isn’t my actual NAME anymore, is it? No! no, that would be too fucking EASY. My legal name got changed seven years ago. So my driver’s license and social security card (which are, I might add, perfectly valid forms of ID when it comes to the federal government trusting me to not blow up a fucking airplane) both have my married name… and “FORTNER” is my MAIDEN name. So Alabama, whom I’m only requesting to trust that I am actually the same person pictured on the TENNESSEE license, (let alone drive a car) is NOT IMPRESSED with my lack of coordinated names.

Well I wasn’t married when I was born, I tried to explain.

Then we need to see some proof of the name change, they say.

Nice, so now I need YET ANOTHER form of ID, one that somehow ties the name FORTNER to me, and I’m about to start complaining that this is gender discrimination, because MEN don’t have to go around changing their fucking names all the time…. but I digress… the best form of proof would be the marriage certificate….

Which is happily tucked into the little leather zippered folder that my (name-amended passport) is in.

And the only thing standing between me and my fucking eighteen-months-expired passport is… the entire criminal justice system of Madison County, Alabama… who seem to believe that owning an expired passport, being full-time in a local school, and being married to someone who lives here permanently…. makes me a flight risk.

I can’t decide whether to say “I love my antidepressant” or “fuck my whole fucking life”. I’m kind of on the edge there.

I’m also tempted to suggest that if they think I’m not Emily Fortner, that they call and chat with William D. Ford federal loans about why that bitch is making me responsible for her student loans.

On the flip side, if I can’t get ahold of my marriage certificate or passport, I might be able to get some document from, of all places, the SCHOOL… to indicate that Emily Fortner and Emily-whose-married-name-is-gonna-be-gone-soon-anyway are ACTUALLY the same person, see this social security number…?

I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER change my name again, so long as I live, this I swear. I will remain FORTNER until my dying day, whether I’m married or not. Because sometime down the road, they’re gonna have bio-id-cards that won’t be acceptable as proof of identity in Alabama.

–Em

Okay, it’s come to my attention that not everyone quite understands my work and school schedule, so let me recap:

Sunday: 11-3 or 12-4 (Depending on the week): work.

Monday: 8:00 - 12:30: School.

Tuesday: 11:00 - 12:30, 3:45 - 5:15: School.

Wednesday 8:00 AM - 8:30 PM:  School, meetings, school.

Thursday: 11:00 - 12:30, 3:45 - 5:15: School.

Friday: 9:00 - 10:00: School, 2:00 - 6:00: Work

Saturday: 10:00 - 2:00: Work.

Any messages that might provoke a negative emotional response (i.e. “I hate you.”) should be directed to me during the following times: Sundays from 5pm-9pm, Mondays from 3pm-7pm, or Thursdays from 5pm-9pm.  I believe that this is a generous allowance of time in my schedule, so please consider your messages and schedule them accordingly.

I am under an appreciable amount of stress, especially with final exams coming up.  Also, work should be noted as a particularly important facet of my schedule because I’m trying to make enough money to support myself, get my own apartment, et cetera.  (Because if I don’t get an apartment where I can keep KarmicBalance with me prior to a specified date in June, it will force Barrett to “do something more heartbreaking and permanent than just giving him away or letting him go.” Yes, that is what he said.  No, I haven’t forgotten it.  And no, I’m not allowed to have KB on campus, sadly.)

I’m sure there are people in the world who go to school full-time and work full-time hours between two jobs.  I am not one of those people, and never have been.  Those people aren’t trying to devote 10+ hours a week to Organic Chemistry, and I’m at least self-aware enough to know my own limits. And if I were one of those people, it would not allow any time at all to field the spiteful messages that are obviously important enough to send to me while I’m stuck at work on a beautiful day that everyone ELSE is spending with family and cuddly soft things.

While I am clear on the concept that life is not fair, I would like to call attention to the practice of removing me from all friends and family down to some godforsaken bible-thumping gun-toting pickup-truck-driving redneck state and then being spiteful and petty. I understand that it’s my fault that I’m such a fun person to hate.  However, if you’ve a vested interest in seeing me GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE, then maybe you could consider that I have to deal with customers face-to-face, and having a swollen face from crying simply doesn’t build the kind of customer rapport I am seeking to build.  It is thus vitally important that any grief-provoking, passive-aggressive messages be held until such a time as I am free from work, because leaving early from work doesn’t make me independent any faster.

If you are one of the many people with something positive to say, I will gladly field those messages pretty much any time.

Thank you all for your attention and cooperation.

–Em

The exam is on Thursday, and that means I’d better get my ass in gear studying. Because it takes about 20 hours in the week preceding the exam for me to get enough of this crap stuffed into my head…. I really ought to learn to stop scheduling work hours on weekends prior to Orgo exams. Of course, that would involve FORETHOUGHT, and we all know I’m not the greatest at that.

To give you an idea of the kind of stuff I will be called upon to answer:

2-Chloro-1,3-butadiene (chloroprene) is the monomer from which the elastomer neoprene is prepared. 2-Chloro-1,3-butadiene is the thermodynamically controlled product formed by the addition of hydrogen chloride to vinylacetylene (CH2=CH-C≡CH).  The principal product under conditions of kinetic control is the allenic chloride 4-Chloro-1,2-butadiene.  Suggest a mechanism to account for the formation of each product.  (10 points.)

Now, whether that’s ACTUALLY a question on the exam is another question entirely.  Basically, to answer this question, one must first be able to sort out what the actual question is.  I’ll help.

CH2=CH-C≡CH  + H-Cl  (at -80°C) —–> ??  (kinetically controlled product)

CH2=CH-C≡CH +  H-Cl (with heat) —-> ??  (thermodynamically controlled product)

Of course, you need to know that adding heat gives you a thermodynamically controlled product, and doing the reaction under cold conditions gives you a kinetically controlled product.

Got that?

So now… when he says “Suggest a mechanism”…. what he means is, “write out the reaction, step-by-step, with curved-arrow formalism, to show how each one happens.”

One must also know a few secret codes:

1… seeing the abbreviation “B” does not mean “Boron”, it means “Base”.  Usually water.  B = Water.  Unless you’re talking about Hydroboration, in which B=Boron.  You should know which is which.

2… Ac ≠ Actinium.  Ac = Acetate.

3… Ph = Benzene = cyclohexatriene.  Ph ≠ pH.  Ph should never be confused with Py, (pyridine) which is an aromatic six-membered ring with five Carbons and one Nitrogen, instead of six carbons… which has nothing to do with pyrite.  (Pyridine is C5H5N, Pyrite is FeS2).

4… M= Metal.  Pretty much ANY metal.  Just… metal.

5… X = halogen, unless X = something else.

6… R = some attached hydrocarbon chain…. thus RX represents some variable C-and-H chain stuck onto a halogen (Cl, Br, I, etc.)…. RX ≠ Rx.

7… Me = Methyl.  Et = Ethyl.   (Me ≠ “me”, ≠ ME; Et ≠ E.T.)

8… “Carbocation” is not a vacation one takes to eat nothing but sugar-laded foods.  It’s pronounced “CAR-boh-CAT-eye-on”, and refers to a + charge on a carbon atom (indicating that the carbon has one-too-few bonds attached to it.)

9… A carbon with one-too-few bonds (that is: three bonds) attached to it carries a + sign.  An Oxygen with one-too-few bonds (one bond only) carries a - sign.  An Oxygen with one-too-many bonds (three bonds) carries a + sign.  Nitrogens prefer to just have three bonds, so they don’t carry a charge when they have three bonds.

10… NaOH = Sodium Hydroxide.   KOH = Potassium Hydroxide.  LiOH = Lithium Hydroxide.   EtOH = Ethanol.  No, don’t EVER call that Ethyl Hydroxide, that’s JUST PLAIN WRONG.   Of course, HOH = Water, which could arguably be called Hydrogen Hydroxide.

11… “anti-addition” is not the same thing as SUBTRACTION.  “Anti-addition” is still “addition”, but it involves the two substituents being stuck onto opposite sides of the π-bonding scheme from each other, rather than the same side.  No, we can’t call this “Trans-addition”, because “Trans” means there’s a π-bond THERE, and after anti-addition, the π-bonding scheme might be gone.  So we call it “anti-addition”.  Just remember that.

12… SN1 reactions take two steps (involving a carbocation).  SN2 reactions take one step.  SNi reactions take lots of steps.  Remember that i ≠ √-1.  SNi reactions are not imaginary.  And SNi reactions NEVER happen if pyridine is used.  SN1 reactions never happen in bases, only acidic conditions.

13… It’s always good to know which reactant is a HOMO  (Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital, of course)…. because… well, that’s just good to know, because HOMOs attack the backside in SN2 reactions, causing the molecule to swing the other way (reverse chirality).  Just deal with it.

There is NO REASON that people can’t pass Organic Chemistry.  NO REASON AT ALL.  It’s not one bit confusing.  (It’s a lot of bits confusing…)

–Em

To anyone who doesn’t think I’m continuing to be punished:

Please feel free to call me and crow about your Spring Break plans that include trips out of the country, and then ask me why I don’t “just go do something fun?”

Feel free to inquire why I didn’t “do something fun” over Christmas. Or better, ask why I didn’t go WITH my husband to visit family. Maybe even suggest that I take a few days and get a hotel room with my husband, as though he wants to even speak to me.

Also feel free to insult my ACTUAL plans: catching up on schoolwork, doing extra credit assignments. Remind me how “not fun!” that sounds. (It actually sounds reasonably useful to me, so stuff it.)

Then get offended that I sound a little grumpy.

–Em

I’m lonely. I crave companionship.

At the moment, I want to sit somewhere comfortable, listening to someone talk about … something. I want to listen to a talk about chemical engineering, or a thesis presentation about artificially-mutated nematodes, or maybe just go to a lecture for a class I’m not taking and listen to the professor. I want to be comfortable, and I want to be allowed to build molecular models while I do it, or draw a picture, or work on some beads, or… do something similarly creative with my hands. I want there to be a stream of potentially useful information (and let’s face it, I’m a packrat, just about anything is potentially useful in my book) around me, while I process my own thoughts - picking out useful pieces from the stream to file away, maybe asking questions if it’s VERY novel. I find that working with my hands while learning enables me to process information in ways that surprise even me.

In short… I want someone to read to me while I play with my toys.

Is it so wrong to have this desire, as an adult? Is it so unusual? I don’t want a TV to blast randomness at me, I want there to be some sort of more personal interaction… but the “interaction” needn’t be complex. I just want to be in the presence of someone who has information to give me.

I would be happy to listen to a discussion of lichens from New Zealand that are used to produce a blue wool dye. Or maybe the nuances of plasma physics. Or the evolution of CAULIFLOWER… I don’t care. Just… SOMETHING.

But it’s not polite to take up space in a classroom where you’re not supposed to be. It’s not polite to draw pictures while your professor talks. It’s rude to build models in a thesis discussion. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PAY ATTENTION! Oh, but I am… really… I am…

And so, I’m alone with my computer, which is something that I can interact with. Something that requires fine manual movements (typing)… but also something that requires 100% of my attention, something that won’t play FOR me… something that will only play WITH me. It has music, I’ve heard the songs before. It takes so much time to find something to listen to, that just the process of settling down and getting to that point is enough to knock me out of the mood…. and it’s not a PERSON, it’s a THING. Yes, it’s a source of constant novelty, but it only does that with direct input from me… and it has zero appreciation for whatever my manual dexterity might create during our interaction.

I don’t want to sit around watching someone else watch TV. I don’t want my head to be filled with dramatic garbage… I just want a story, from someone who cares whether I exist or not.

I miss Patton, my botany professor from Tulsa. He was often good for this, and he understood my need to create something with my hands while listening to him.

I’m lonely, and I see no real way out of it.

Play the song “Bend and break” by Keane right after playing the song “I’ve Been Waiting” by Matthew Sweet.

The pathology here is that my brain will conjure up every memory of every wonderful thing about first meeting Barrett (given the Matthew Sweet song), and then completely squash it with the Keane song, realizing he’ll never be there in the morning for me, ever again. This will cause a sudden collapse of all pieces of my psyche into a microsingularity.

Or, at least, I really wish it would, because this hurts so fucking bad.

Bend and Break:

When you, when you forget your name
When old faces all look the same
Meet me in the morning when you wake up
Meet me in the morning then you’ll wake up
If only I don’t bend and break
I’ll meet you on the other side, I’ll meet you in the light
If only I don’t suffocate, I’ll meet you in the morning when you wake

Lovesick bitter and hardened heart
Aching waiting for night waiting for life to start
Meet me in the morning when you wake up
Meet me in the morning then you’ll wake up

If only I don’t bend and break
I’ll meet you on the other side, I’ll meet you in the light
If only I don’t suffocate, I’ll meet you in the morning when you wake

If only I don’t bend and break
I’ll meet you on the other side, I’ll meet you in the light
If only I don’t suffocate, I’ll meet you in the morning when you wake

I’ll meet you on the other side, I’ll meet you in the light
If only I don’t suffocate, I’ll meet you in the morning when you wake

I miss Dr. Brownlee…. but Dr. Hagood seems quite capable.

Sinus Surgery #4 was successful (far as I am led to understand…) and I’m now in that recovery period…. Tomorrow I’m gonna hurt like hell from the anesthetic wearing-off… but tonight, it’s alllll about the percosets.

g’night!

But, after hearing many people weigh in on “Fitting Punishment for Dr. Amy Bishop”, I discussed this with my friend Shyla (a classmate from TCC and NSU in Oklahoma).

OUR $.02:

Exhaustive studies on her brain chemistry. Probes, PET scans, fMRI scans, everything. Dr. Bishop, you harmed biologists who were studying these things; congratulations, you’re the new test subject. We won’t hurt you, we just want you to look at these pictures while we measure your neurotransmitter levels. Thanks. Again, please. And we’ll consult her for her opinions…

That brain won’t go to complete waste as most people seem to think. We’ll learn from her. We’ll explore. We’ll patent something based on our results and use the proceeds to fund college for her four children. (And to support the families of those who were killed and injured by her attacks.)

Maybe we could keep her in the vivarium.

–Em

All students are safe and sound. I was not on campus at the time of the shooting.

I spent the night at a friend’s house last night, because I couldn’t get back on campus.

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/us/14alabama.html

http://www.waaytv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11981259

Also of interest: http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/02/professor_accus.html