The manifestation of “lonely”
Posted in Comments on the World, School Stuff on 03/02/2010 02:22 pm by ElfI’m lonely. I crave companionship.
At the moment, I want to sit somewhere comfortable, listening to someone talk about … something. I want to listen to a talk about chemical engineering, or a thesis presentation about artificially-mutated nematodes, or maybe just go to a lecture for a class I’m not taking and listen to the professor. I want to be comfortable, and I want to be allowed to build molecular models while I do it, or draw a picture, or work on some beads, or… do something similarly creative with my hands. I want there to be a stream of potentially useful information (and let’s face it, I’m a packrat, just about anything is potentially useful in my book) around me, while I process my own thoughts - picking out useful pieces from the stream to file away, maybe asking questions if it’s VERY novel. I find that working with my hands while learning enables me to process information in ways that surprise even me.
In short… I want someone to read to me while I play with my toys.
Is it so wrong to have this desire, as an adult? Is it so unusual? I don’t want a TV to blast randomness at me, I want there to be some sort of more personal interaction… but the “interaction” needn’t be complex. I just want to be in the presence of someone who has information to give me.
I would be happy to listen to a discussion of lichens from New Zealand that are used to produce a blue wool dye. Or maybe the nuances of plasma physics. Or the evolution of CAULIFLOWER… I don’t care. Just… SOMETHING.
But it’s not polite to take up space in a classroom where you’re not supposed to be. It’s not polite to draw pictures while your professor talks. It’s rude to build models in a thesis discussion. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PAY ATTENTION! 
Oh, but I am… really… I am…
And so, I’m alone with my computer, which is something that I can interact with. Something that requires fine manual movements (typing)… but also something that requires 100% of my attention, something that won’t play FOR me… something that will only play WITH me. It has music, I’ve heard the songs before. It takes so much time to find something to listen to, that just the process of settling down and getting to that point is enough to knock me out of the mood…. and it’s not a PERSON, it’s a THING. Yes, it’s a source of constant novelty, but it only does that with direct input from me… and it has zero appreciation for whatever my manual dexterity might create during our interaction.
I don’t want to sit around watching someone else watch TV. I don’t want my head to be filled with dramatic garbage… I just want a story, from someone who cares whether I exist or not.
I miss Patton, my botany professor from Tulsa. He was often good for this, and he understood my need to create something with my hands while listening to him.
I’m lonely, and I see no real way out of it.
03/04/2010 at 2:29 pm
You are disgusting and so is your alcoholic, pathetic mother. If your family is going to steal from me to get you out of prison, you pig and pervert, at least thank me.
03/05/2010 at 12:31 pm
I actually intended to pay you back what monies were forwarded to me. To be clear, not all of that money was forwarded along. I have felt that I owe you about $3600, since that is all that I have seen of it. I’m not my mother, Kris. I am sorry I have had so little contact with you that you feel that I’m the same person. I indicated to Alan that I do intend to pay you back as soon as I am able; but at the moment I’m in no position to make financial promises to ANYONE, especially someone who’s already made some pretty specific decisions about me.
Your argument is with my mother, not with me. Please remember that not all who are arrested are guilty. But “disgusting”, “pig”, and “pervert” are words that I will remember when I think about setting up CD’s toward your kids’ education. I appreciate your input, Kris. I’m sorry you feel that way….. I would have felt good returning the money to you had I not ever seen this irrational and ugly post.
I hope you find some peace in your world.
–Em
03/05/2010 at 12:34 pm
Oh, I should add - as I understand it, I was arrested quite some time after the life insurance funds were distributed. I had not had contact with my mother for several months at that point, and her decision to keep the funds had nothing to do with me.
But hey, if you’re gonna be irrational, let’s go all the way.
03/05/2010 at 12:49 pm
Aww, I tried to send you an email but you left a fake address. Well anyway, too bad. You may email me directly if you’d like - elfnow@gmail.com
03/06/2010 at 4:09 pm
Did you ever tell her that she was wrong in what she did? Yeah, I didn’t so. As far as setting up cd’s for the kids, yeah right. You have no intention on paying me back or setting up anything for my children. By the way, did you even feel badly about Dan dying? You, your mother and Esther - all the same.
03/06/2010 at 4:16 pm
By the way, this is my last message, I will never look at this pathetic page again. Thanks, I do have peace knowing that YOU know how I feel about you. Also, it’s comforting to me that you also know, how Dan felt about you. HAVE FUN IN PRISON!!!!!!!
03/06/2010 at 6:19 pm
Ciao, sugarpie. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
03/06/2010 at 8:42 pm
(anyone else wanna go $10 that she’s back tomorrow?)