elfination

Especially when what you WANT to focus on isn’t what’s presenting as a more emergent problem.

I’m completely exhausted… I’ve had very little sleep lately, an organic chemistry exam on Thursday at 4pm, and I have had to move out of Barrett’s apartment and into a room on campus.

The upside is that my housing is now walking distance from classes. There are actually a lot of up-sides.

The major downside is that my change in environment is because Barrett’s had enough of me.

So… I moved, and am wracked with anxiety about all sorts of things (both rational and irrational). KB cannot live with me here. Lots of stuff is still at Barrett’s apartment. Barrett doesn’t call me “Sweetie” or “Elfy” anymore, he calls me “Emily”. When we talk at all. I’m within five miles of him and only seeing him briefly to let me into the apartment to get more of my stuff.

I’m a disaster… and it’s REALLY hard to focus on what NEEDS to be done for school.

On the plus side, I have plenty of psychotropic prescription drugs. I’m on an antidepressant which is working very well (until about 10PM when it starts to wear off…. ) I take adderall (YAY!) and Buspar (an anti-anxiety drug). The Adderall and Buspar are doing good things for me, though I’m still prone to randomly crying at stray thoughts.

I’m back to doing the “college thing”, but without the comfort/security of a permanent address to return to in the summer, and without family that I can return to if I choose. The only family I have in Alabama is Barrett… and he’s removing himself from that status. I’m alone here, lost as hell, and all I can do is hope I can focus enough to NOT THINK ABOUT IT.

I’m going to take a hot shower and get some sleep.