elfination

I HATE writing resumés. It’s hard to write an exciting resumé when the best you can say about a previous job is, “Successfully managed to not kill myself over working there.”

I feel really weird writing cover letters.
[parrot voice] “Diligent self-starter! Highly effective multitasker! RAWK! Good with people! RAWK! Will work for crackers! RAWK!”

But, Barrett went to some trouble to find me some job listings. And I managed to complete enough of a resumé to fill one page (and even slipped a little humor about my DirecTV job in there: “Coaxed the unwilling through the impossible.”) I was jazzed to have finished, and began toiling over a cover letter. I thought it sounded parrotty. Barrett said it was a great cover letter. It seemed worth the trouble for the job posting.

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Reply to: job-nyv7z-1165471129@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-05-11, 1:36PM CDT

Looking for a mature, organized, responsible, self-starter, who has well-developed social skills, is neat, health-oriented, progressive and articulate, has Mac computer skills and would enjoy front office work in an eclectic school environment. Needed Monday-Thursday mornings, 16 hours per week. Please fax resume along with a hand-written cover letter or email thanks.

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Sent: 5/11/2009 5:13:30 PM
Subject: Progressive, creative, mature - Found!

Dear Hiring Manager, I am keenly interested in the Administrator position (posted on Craigslist: http://huntsville.craigslist.org/ofc/1165471129.html)

I am a clever, curious, intuitive problem-solver. I can work happily as a member of a group or alone. I am highly trainable, and have learned the ins and outs of multiple industries, from aviation to satellite television to health insurance to mitochondria. I’ve taught myself web design, I can use PCs and Macs with equal ease (I own a Mac Mini). I am patient and careful, quite capable of making quick, correct decisions. I am also quite capable of owning my mistakes, whether the mistake was procedural or interpersonal.

I’m flexible, both in scheduling and in pay scale. I face my world with wry humor, I’m quick-witted. I understand confidentiality and protected information, and I take passwords and safeguards very seriously.

Above all, your priorities are my priorities, and once they’re mine, I own them and adhere to them.

I would like to meet with you in person to discuss this opportunity!

Thank you for your time,

Emily

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I need to clarify here: The following email is what I received IN RESPONSE TO MY APPLICATION FOR THE ABOVE POSITION.

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Jim Thomas to Emily:

Hello,

Internet Secret Shopper is the global leader in mystery shopping and customer service evaluation. We are looking for serious independent contractors/mystery shoppers who are dedicated to quality and professionalism to help us meet our client’s needs.

These assignments and/or online audits are in the online sectors of, financial, education, automotive, insurance, health, entertainment, business opportunity, mobile and grocery store industries.

You may apply directly online on our secure website at http://www.internetsecretshopper.com/signup/ to obtain a free information/application packet.

Mystery Shoppers:

Internet Secret Shopper is accepting applications for qualified individuals to become mystery shoppers. It’s fun and rewarding, and you choose when and where you want to shop. You are never obligated to accept an assignment. There is no charge to become a shopper and you do not need previous experience. After you sign up, you will have access to training materials on our site.

Apply now to become a mystery shopper.

As a Mystery Shopper you can

• Work full or part-time.
• Set your own hours.
• Take only the assignments you want
• Flexible schedule and hours
• Work from the comfort of your own home

Apply now to become a mystery shopper.

What exactly will I be doing?

You will visit various websites and pretend to be an average customer. While there, you will secretly evaluate things like customer service, response time and product quality.

When you’re done, just fill out a small questionnaire describing your shopping experience. You then submit your report and get paid for your opinions. That’s all there is to it!

Apply now to become a mystery shopper.

How much can I make with this?

The company you shop for will pay you for each assignment you accept and complete. Payment will be usually be issued by Pay Pal or Revolutionary Money Exchange.

How much you make depends on how often you shop, but a typical assignment often averages out to about $25.00 per hour. A good mystery shopper can easily earn about $1,000.00 a month - working only part time. But if you can work full time, you could bring in over $4,000.00 a month.

Apply now to become a mystery shopper.

Why Do Businesses Need Mystery Shoppers?

Companies want to know if policies are being followed, if customers are being satisfied, and that their business is running just like it should. So they hire “Mystery Shoppers“ to come in and act as if they’re normal customers to see that everything is going as it should.

Apply now to become a mystery shopper.

Best Regards,

Jim Thomas
Administration
InternetSecretShopper.com

[And then here was my cover letter, attached at the bottom.]

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WHAT??!!?!?!?!!??!

Exactly how does, “Front office work in an eclectic school environment” translate into, “Apply now to become a mystery shopper!!” FIVE TIMES IN ONE EMAIL (not counting the first pass where they gave the website)???

(Did I mention that I’m completely fucking broke and that’s why I’m trying to get a fucking JOB? I can’t exactly go prancing around the internets buying shit.)

Oh, yes. If you go to that craigslist posting to see for yourself? You’ll find it’s been “Flagged for removal.” Gosh, I wonder how THAT happened.

–Em