elfination

She wrote, “I just want to scream,” “no you DON’T understand what I’m going through,” “why does God feel the need to punish me,” and other very understandable grief-stricken remarks.

I replied:

I’m probably one of the few people who understand how you’re feeling about god.

Having my first blighted ovum (and now the second)… it’s all been nails in God’s coffin for me. (Well, to be honest, I’d pretty much buried the whole concept of “god” years ago, but this just kind of proves my point.)

Other people can believe in god, and say that their baby was taken for a reason… I’m finding it a lot easier to believe that the “christian god” isn’t out there like that.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m still a very spiritual person… but there has been no religion for me for a long time.

I can’t stand someone telling me that babies are from jesus. Babies are SO NOT from jesus. jesus had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with this baby. And the only thing God had to do with it was probably just something I yelled out during the conception. There’s no precious moments cabbage patch stork coming along, and I’ll be damned if I’d want a baby that evolved from cabbage anyway. Wrong number of chromosomes in cabbage. And storks.

It helped me tremendously to be studying Cell Bio and Genetics when I had my first blighted ovum. It helped me to learn the cell cycle, the process of duplicating DNA, how meiosis and mitosis work… because knowing those things on such a tiny level gave me an appreciation for something very small f*king up something very big.

Studying genetics and cell bio might even have saved what little faith I have left. I figure if God’s anywhere, he’s in a hydrogen bond. And I don’t need my head filled with empty noises from people who don’t know what else to say. I think “God” is just the label that people put on everything they can’t understand.

omg, Elfi, you’re so… ANGRY.. at the world!!

Yeah, I am. because this sh*t ain’t fair. And having it a second time is even more not fair.

So… I’ve got your back on god. And if anyone tells you that “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle”, just point me in their direction, and I won’t give ‘em anything they can’t handle either.

–Em