elfination

it’s just … close.

We call this “Blighted Ovum“. It means that an egg got fertilized, triggered the uterus to respond and protect it, wedged itself into the uterine lining…. and then just decided “nah”. It just takes the body some time to realize there isn’t an embryo there to snuggle on. When the body figures it out, it sheds the uterine lining (and the empty sac).

After discussing things with my doctor, I am more comfortable to simply wait out this process. As long as I’m not running a fever, in unbearable pain, or bleeding profusely, I’m allowed to wait to miscarry on my own. There are drugs that will “move it along,” but I really don’t have to take them if I don’t want to.

Barrett researched a whole lot about this situation. He found a lot of references stating that the diagnosis of Blighted Ovum is usually made when the gestational sac is a bit bigger. Lots of women have this. And …. there is some hope: while the gestational sac hasn’t grown (over the course of four days), I do have a yolk sac. My hCG level DID rise, though not very much, but it’s still well within that “normal” range, and of course “every woman is different.”

There are also plenty of anecdotes on the net from women who were told that they would miscarry, who were monitored by their OBGYN docs to confirm that the miscarriage was progressing, who suddenly popped up the bright clear flutter of a fetal heartbeat 3-4 weeks after the (mis-)diagnosis of Blighted Ovum.

I feel less like God is smacking me upside the head, more like it’s one of those tests of faith. I went through one with KB, when his bladder was paralyzed…. and though he still has a bit of neuropathy in the bladder, he is able to pee on his own (wherever he wants, it seems).

This also makes me feel less like a horrible person, less like I’ve lied to people. It broke my heart to think that I’d been telling people happy-happy-happy news and then “oh wait, I was wrong nevermind.” This…. this is a lot more normal. “The doctor isn’t seeing the growth they expect to see, it may not work out” sounds somehow better. Every woman is different, yes, I know. I know those situations were tiny percentages in comparison to the number of miscarriages. I don’t think it’s something I can influence. But I know that… however small the percentage… doctors have been wrong before. It opens a tiny little window of hope, that’s all.

I’m still feeling a bit . . .reserved. . . about my friend who declared my yolk-sac to be a fetus (without the ultrasound tech saying anything about the declaration). There NEVER WAS A VISIBLE EMBRYO and for the love of PETE nobody corrected her!!! Nobody stepped in and said “what the hell, you insane woman, that’s a yolksac.” Or, even, more politely: “Actually, I’m just taking measurements of the yolk sac here, the embryo may be too small to see yet.” I’m feeling a little angry that I was misled… though mostly that I allowed myself to be. It’s a reminder to do this myself, to not take counsel from someone whose only experience was her own. Better to be without any knowledge at all.

In the meantime, I’ve got exams to study for, classes to attend, and two presentations to prepare.

–Em