elfination

So there I am, innocently taking calls, when I get this particular mystery:

“The show that’s listed in the guide isn’t on. It happens on all the movie channels. This Devo receiver is no good.” He goes on to explain that when he tries to use the “Devo” receiver to then find the movie in question, it’s nowhere to be found. The Devo says it’s not on within the next two weeks. (I can hear a Tivo in the background crying for help.)

Now, I could only think the following: “whip it good. It’s a fuckin’ TIVO not a Devo.” I wish we could ask the receiver directly what their side of the story is.

Whatever.

I ask if the problem is just with the Tivo unit or is it with the other receiver, too? The customer confirms it’s only a problem with the Tivo unit.

I try to figure out the issue. Seems that this particular subscriber has a printed guide. That we didn’t send him. But nevermind that. I digress. The printed guide does clearly state the name of our company on the front of it. I probe a bit more. “Like, can you find an example right now,” I ask him, “something that’s on now that’s different from the guide?”

He explains that Fox Movie Channel says it’s showing Titanic. On the Third. At Ten O’Clock AM. But it’s not. It’s showing The Barbarian and the Geisha.

I note down this response, promise to go check it out personally, and head off to find a Tivo and a printed Guide.

I discover that both the printed Guide and the Tivo agree that The Barbarian and the Geisha is on Fox Movie Channel.

I flip through the guide some … maybe he’s looking at 10 PM? Maybe the wrong channel? Maybe the wrong time zone? …. noooo, Titanic isn’t listed at all. I ask the Tivo, “Titanic?” Tivo says, “No way.”

I return to the phone prepared to ask the customer if he’s smoking crack or if his doctor has prescribed something even better. In a nice way. I decide on a good tact: “Sir? Thanks so much for holding. Both our Tivo here and our printed guide indicate that the movie that’s on FMC is correct. May I ask …. What does the cover of your guide look like?”

I asked these questions while noting that the first-level of tech support had transferred the guy, so it must be either a problem that’s very complex or a problem that simply defies common sense.

It’s the latter, of course.

“That guy who hosted the awards show,” he replies. “Rock or something.”

“Chris Rock?”

“Yeah.”

Care to guess?

I mean, it could be that there’s something drastically wrong with the guide, and it’s off by two weeks. Except I haven’t heard from anyone else, and the guide’s been out for a week or so. And the copy I found was fine.

Or it could be that he’s not actually using a guide from our company, and is using a channel list that’s for, say, cable. . . or “another satellite company”. Although I did check about seventeen times on that. “And you said it DOES SAY [our company name] on the front cover?” Yes, he confirmed seventeen times, it does.

No, the problem in question was even more sinister, even more vile, even more mindboggling than either of those.

He was looking at February’s guide. ( >.< )

"Sir? What month does it say on the top of the guide?"

"February."

I waited for inspiration to dawn on him, but it didn't. I found it wasn't so much that he was looking at the wrong guide.

He thought it was February, and argued with me when I told him it's March now.

"It's MARCH third???"

"Yes, sir. March third." I didn't add, "2005." But I wanted to.

"So," he asks, "I shouldn't use this directory?"

>.<

And all I can think is, “Use it all you freakin’ want. Just not to tell what’s on TV.”

But I politely suggested recycling it. Because I’m a sweetheart on the phone