elfination

Yesterday, I stopped at the storage closet at my ex’s apartment building to get a couple of boxes. I was on my way to Wolf’s with laundry (his grandmother is so kind, she lets me do laundry there, and she’s got the world’s BIGGEST washer, which is awesome)… I glanced through a couple of boxes, just looking for something that might have interesting stuff in it. I grabbed two likely candidates, and was startled by Barrett walking into the breezeway.

I wasn’t just startled by someone coming up behind me; I was startled in another part of my brain… some part that said, “Hey! I know you! Aren’t I supposed to hug you, and kiss you hello?” I didn’t, of course, do anything (other than exclaim that he’d startled me). We traded mild hellos, and I left.

While at Wolf’s, I took some time to look through the boxes to see what I’d grabbed. I gave Wolf his choice of some random playstation games from one box, and I looked at the other.

I found something so sad: A book-shaped wooden box that I’d carefully hand-painted and varnished many years ago… a Valentine’s Day gift to Barrett from before we were married. I opened it, sadly thinking of what I’d find. The little bear-shaped figurines, some glued or taped to bits of paper with little scenes drawn behind them. The little notes saying what I loved about him. The little coupons for snuggling on the couch or backrubs… things he almost never asked me for. The little purple hershey-kiss-shaped drop of glass…

And then… an index card, with his handwriting. Something I don’t remember putting in there, something that could easily be from a long time ago, but just hit me so hard now. We used to write haiku to each other….

You are my treasure
Gorgeous and Precious, Love
I shall miss you much.
– With Love, Barrett

Oh…..

I used to be someone’s treasure. Someone’s precious. Something someone would miss. Something to whom someone wrote warm things, with love.

oh.

And my heart breaks into a thousand little ice-cold shards all over again.